It's Been a While

                                               
All around I sense a phenomenon that I definitely also see in myself. An emotional callousness, a general unfeeling. A people that used to be brimming with passion, are now at a loss of what to do with themselves. It might be that the trend started just recently. Or, the explanation I think more likely, that it's been going on for a while and I've only just realized. Because I've finally begun to peek my eyes over the giant mirror I've used to separate me from everyone else. In simpler terms, I'm starting to get over myself.

They say trials and hard times are the times when character is truly tested. Like a storm or an earthquake testing the foundation of that house you just built. My storm, however, is a silent one. I think I would actually prefer one that was more visible, more catastrophic. Then I might be able to complain, to gather sympathy from my peers. Or with a less negative spin, share some of the problems I'm going through with friends, and maybe get support and advice from them.

By silent, I mean its not disastrous or anything. My issue is specific to spring break, since I now have hours of free time. And I have problems figuring out what to do during that time. The first impulse I get upon waking up is to get on the computer, and waste entire days on things too nerdy and embarrassing to admit. It doesn't seem like anything worth complaining about, since no one's getting hurt but myself, and the only thing lost is time.

But to me, it's a serious issue. I go to bed at night with tired eyes and a tired mind, and am forced to confront what I've done. My everything, my all the time, has been promised to God. Following Christ is an all-consuming pursuit, and is not to be set aside, to be picked up again after I'm finished doing what I want for a while.

That is why spending all this time watching videos or playing games transforms from a harmless past time, into a grievous offense. He loves and trusts me enough to plant a little of Himself in me, His passion, His plan, His Spirit. I accepted that, and then ignored them by trying to distract myself for hours at a time. I wasted Time, which isn't something I can claim to be my own, but is a gift. And it isn't something we should be afraid of running out on us, but rather of wasting it. There's so many things I could've done during this past week, but are now just unchangeable "what-ifs" of the past. I could also have just done nothing, resting from work and avoiding distraction, and the time wouldn't be wasted.

I honestly suck at being alone, because that's where I start making terrible decisions. But in the past, writing blogs became an alternative to some of the other crap I would get sucked into. So I guess I'm back. As a sort of attempt to keep my alone self in check. It's funny, because while most people struggle with being too busy, I struggle with too much free time.

Well, I'm glad to be back. I'm honestly excited to return to this creative medium I've set up. I ended the last blog a little too dramatically, so I hope I can start being more real with myself. Plus, I've got some stuff I wrote during my hiatus ready to publish, so expect new stuff soon! We'll see where I go from here.