Nothing You Didn't Already Know

I've been really sucking at conversation lately. It's fine when I'm in groups, since the others can chime in to fill in the gaps of silence. But if it's just me and you, and you aren't in my small inner circle of friends, I'm desperately grasping at the small-talk straws. I... don't think I can help it. As an introvert, it just makes me uncomfortable around people that might judge me, think badly of me. And I understand it must make you feel awkward as well. Thinking about how awkward it makes you feel actually adds to my own discomfort, and it becomes even harder to think of things to say.

Some people make it look so easy. They can talk to anyone, anytime, and as if they'd been friends since elementary school. That's really intimidating to an introvert like me. So when these outgoing charismatic individuals try to talk to me, I back away. I remember deciding way back that these kinds of people can only do what they do if they look down on other people, since that's the only way they wouldn't be scared of others doing the same to them.

I thought this way because if there was nothing wrong with them, and that being friendly and talkative to everyone is normal, then that only leaves one possibility. That there is something wrong with me.

This self-deprecating explanation is easy to believe, actually. Because when I'm at school, church, or wherever, all I ever see are people in their comfort zones, who are, naturally, with the people they are comfortable with. Most of the time, people aren't starting up conversations with people they barely know, or people that are known to be awkward or not cool. It's hard, and I completely understand why it doesn't happen a lot. I say this not to condemn anyone, but to show that after seeing only conversations that came easily, I started to convince myself that my difficulty was exclusive to me.

A girl would be the loudest, funniest, most spastic person at her old table, but when she moved to mine, she barely talked. I tried. I began to think it was my fault. For not thinking fast enough. Not being witty enough. For being too much of this, and not enough of that. You can imagine I went home feeling pretty depressed.

                                                            

I think I know what you're thinking. That we all go through these feelings and insecurities, and it's all about learning to overcome them. Or maybe it just comes naturally to you, and all you can do is empathize. I don't know.

I think it needed to be said, though. If I'm going to tell you guys to stop pretending like you have it all together, I should try too. So here I am. The awkward, conversationally challenged boy you know from school/church. Who doesn't have it all together.